


Afterwards, When Cuts Become Nothing But Scars

by Anonymous



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Coping, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Cutting, Sexual Content, past depression, past self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-02-24
Packaged: 2018-05-22 23:28:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6097444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur's friends share scar stories. Merlin can't join in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Afterwards, When Cuts Become Nothing But Scars

 

Merlin wondered if this is what all straight men did when they were out drinking, or if it was just Arthur’s friends.

Eylan held up his arm to show a burn scar on his forearm. “Soldering accident.”

Leon showed the scattered scars across his hands from working with his cousin in his carpentry shop. “I was bleeding everyday, I don’t even know how many there are.”

“Man, that’s nothing.” Gwaine said, pulling back his shirt to reveal a scar on his chest, “Got this in a knife fight.”

“Where did you even grow up?” Leon asked dubiously, “In the mafia?”

“I would tell you” Gwaine said with a smirk, “But then I’d-”

Arthur smacked Gwaine before he could finish.

“I think I win this, gentlemen." Arthur said. Arthur had mentioned to Merlin that he had torn his ACL during a football match in his last year of university, an apparently very painful injury. He had even shown Merlin the parallel surgery scars along on his knee.

Percy held up his arm, flexing his muscle to show off a huge scar along the inner bicep. “Got this when I was seventeen. Chainsaw accident.”

There was a pause.

“You made that up.” Arthur said.

Percy grinned. “I was cutting wood, everything going well, and I must have hit a knot.” He used his hand to show the motion of the chainsaw rearing back. “Came backwards and hit me in the arm. Don’t remember anything else.”

“What are you, some kind of lumberjack?” Gwaine said. 

It was silent and Merlin couldn’t tell if it was because everyone had admitted defeat to Percival’s lumberjack scar or because they were waiting for Lance or Merlin to add to the conversation. The thing was, Merlin’s relationship with Arthur was new, and Arthur’s friends were manly men. Lance and Merlin had been friends for years and although they had their own kind of masculinity, they didn’t have any lumberjack stories.

Merlin for example, had plenty of scars. They ran over his thighs and hips from his teenaged years. He had felt tired and worthless, with thoughts of inadequacy and a life without purpose. He had taken the razors to his skin in the midst of his illness- not even knowing he was ill until much later. Cutting had been his way of coping with the depression, before he had learned to deal with the emotions properly. That was years ago though, and now he only had the scars as a reminder of his past illness. He was thankful that the depression had faded, and that he had learned to cope better, but he knew that the scars remained. 

But he couldn’t mention these kind of scars in friendly conversation. Sure, Percival had probably been at death’s door after losing so much blood from a chainsaw accident but the scar on his arm was socially acceptable. It had been an accident. Merlin’s scars had been from an illness, just like Arthur’s surgery scars, but they were intentional and that was the difference between a funny story and a sad story.

Arthur looked at him and raised his brow. It was friendly. Maybe even a bit flirty. ‘Anything under those clothes?’ was the suggestion beneath Arthur’s expression. They hadn’t slept together yet, and that had been on purpose. Merlin liked to wait a while before sleeping with someone he was dating, and yes it was because of the scars, but it was also because he liked to wait when it came to serious relationships instead of flings.

Arthur was still looking at him and if Merlin had had time to think, he could have said ‘I’ve got this nasty scar on my elbow from when I fell out of a tree when I was eight’ but all he could think of was ‘When I was fifteen I cut myself.’ But that wasn’t the right answer, was it? But Merlin could only think of what Arthur would think if he saw the scars: What if he thinks the scars were emotional baggage? What if he hates to look at them, an annoying reminder? Or worse, what if he romanticizes them, and treats Merlin as a pity case?

Lance, who had known Merlin since university, whom Merlin had confided in, probably knew exactly what was running through his head.

“I don’t want to brag or anything, boys,” Lance said as he lifted his shirt, to show off an inch-long scar. “But I got this back in ‘08. Appendicitis. In the hospital for  _ an entire day _ .”

They all laughed, and Merlin was grateful for Lance. Merlin’s brain had frozen- preoccupied with what Arthur may think when they make the next step- and Lance had saved him from an awkward situation. They turned to other topics and Merlin had thought Arthur had moved on, but then he caught Arthur looking at him. He turned away before Merlin could even form a question.

At the end of the night, the group parted ways, and Arthur walked Merlin back to his flat. It was snowing and Merlin had bundled up with the scarf Arthur had given him the week before. Only a month of dating and Merlin hadn’t expected any gifts, but then again, Merlin had also withheld sex and Arthur might have been wanting to prove that he was serious about Merlin.

“I know my friends can be a bit…” Arthur said as they rounded the corner, his eyes on the pavement. “Well, they can be a bit over-the-top manly and to be honest, that much testosterone is never a good mix. But they’re good blokes.”

“I know.” Merlin said. Every single one of Arthur’s friends was a good person. Arthur was right, they were like rowdy footballers sometimes, but they cared about Arthur.

“I just...I didn’t want you to think I had a bunch of homophobic dickheads for friends.” Arthur said. “For my birthday one time, they took me to a gay strip club. And when I came out, Leon actually cried because he wanted me to know he’d always love me.”

“I didn’t think your friends were homophobic.” Merlin said, his brows pinching together. He grabbed Arthur’s arm to stop him from walking so he could look Arthur in the eye. “Why would you think that?”

“Well…” Arthur said. “I don’t usually notice it, but they do that whole Who’s More Masculine type of games more than I thought. I didn’t know if you got the impression that I was some Alpha male- I don’t want you to think I’m some dominant bloke that’s going to demand things from you.”

Arthur was practically pulling his hair out trying to phrase his words. If Merlin had learned anything from the month of dating Arthur, it was that he had the best intentions and no proper way to show them. His words never seemed to work for him.

Merlin cupped Arthur’s face and kissed him softly, until he felt Arthur relax against his lips.

“I think you’re sweet. And generous, and not at all demanding.” Merlin said as he pulled away, looking Arthur in the eye. “And I think your friends are excitable in the best kind of way. Who doesn’t love a good lumberjack story?”

Arthur laughed, “Sometimes I forget that Percy is actually a 6’5” giant instead of my friend who bakes cupcakes for a living.”

Merlin grinned, “He’s a sweetheart. I’m glad you introduced me to them.” Then he grabbed Arthur’s hand and continuing on their way.

At Merlin’s door, Arthur leaned in to kiss Merlin goodnight, but Merlin stopped him. Arthur cocked his head with a curious raise of his brow.

Arthur had passed all of Merlin’s usual dating rules. More than passed, he succeeded with flying colors. He had stayed with Merlin even after the third date when Merlin said he wanted to wait before having sex. They had watched a movie and Arthur stayed to cuddle with him, a pleasant surprise.

Arthur was perfectly flawed, with his brazen attitude and his almost-vain self confidence. Merlin didn’t know why he hadn’t had sex with Arthur yet. Most of the time he wanted to tear Arthur’s clothes off, but then his logic took over before his libido could act. Merlin waited longer than most people for sex, but not this long. And Merlin knew deep down, that it was because he liked Arthur more than anyone else and he was scared about what Arthur would think once he saw the scars. It was a part of Merlin that he hadn’t confided to many people. One of the problems with having scars was that sex meant you not only were intimate with someone, but you also revealed a secret which would have otherwise been locked away.

“Merlin?” Arthur asked, looking worried. Arthur was here to stay, Merlin decided.

“Do you want to come up?” Merlin asked.

“I didn’t bring  _ Casino Royale _ with me.” Arthur said, referring to the movie they had planned to watch at their next date. It was an excuse to cuddle and kiss without having to have sex. Merlin enjoyed it far more than he liked to admit, but he noticed that Arthur was always the one who brought the movie, as if he looked forward to lying on the couch with Merlin.

Merlin smiled, because Arthur hadn’t even gotten the point.

“No, Arthur. I meant...” Merlin pulled at Arthur’s jacket and looked at him through his lashes. “Would you want to sleep at my place?”

Arthur stared, his brows pinched. Merlin leaned forward and kissed him, taking his lips slowly and trying to make his point painfully clear. Then, Merlin pulled away and watched as Arthur’s mind processed the words until he finally got it. His eyes widened. 

Merlin laughed at Arthur’s shocked expression.

“You really want to?” Arthur asked with a smile.

“If you want to.” Merlin said. “I think we’ve waited long enough.”

Arthur smiled, as if Merlin had just given him the world. It made Merlin blush, with all manner of emotions flying around his chest.

“Yeah.” Arthur breathed out and kissed Merlin, cupping the back of his head with a gloved hand.

Merlin pulled away, grinning as Arthur whined. They practically ran to Merlin’s flat, and the excitement pumped through Merlin's veins.

The door closed and they tore off their coats. Merlin had barely gotten his scarf off before Arthur was kissing him.

Arthur sucked a kiss into Merlin’s neck. The kissing was familiar, but Arthur’s eager hands already on his ass was new. Merlin ran his hands under Arthur’s shirt, feeling his warm skin against the cool air.

“Jesus,  _ Merlin _ .” Arthur said as he pulled away, just enough to take off his shirt. “I’d wait another month if you wanted to. I thought we were going to wait another month at the least” Arthur said as he ducked in to kiss Merlin again. “But I’ve been dying to get my hands on you.”

Merlin moaned, grasping at Arthur’s bare shoulder. Oh, he was going to have to keep Arthur up all night at this rate.

“I usually don’t wait this long.” Merlin said as Arthur guided him backwards through the hallway.

“I thought you were old fashioned?” Arthur asked between kisses, pulling off Merlin’s shirt.

“Only a bit” Merlin said, trying not to run into the wall as Arthur kissed him. “I’m all for casual sex, but when I date I want to wait and see if they’ll stick around.”

They finally made it to the bedroom, with only Merlin’s faded bedside lamp for light. Arthur kicked the door shut and cupped Merlin’s face in his hands, “I’ll stick around” Arthur said softly.

“Yeah,” Merlin breathed out with a smile. “I was hoping for that.” He said before kissing him until they were out of breath.

Arthur pulled on his belt and Merlin raised his hips to help. The thing about having scars was that he was aware of them at all times. With his shirt off he knew that some were already peaking out from his trousers. Except, his eyes were trained to know where to look, and Arthur’s weren’t. After years, the scars had faded and there was the off-chance that Arthur wouldn’t even notice them.

But Merlin was soon finding out that Arthur was the type of person to worship his partner. He was sucking at Merlin’s chest, a hand running over Merlin’s back and the other at hip.

Merlin fell back onto the bed, and Arthur knelt down to take off Merlin’s shoes.

“What a gentleman” Merlin joked. He undid the rest of his belt and Arthur pulled his trousers down. Merlin groaned as Arthur’s hand pressed over his tented pants.

“What do you want?” Arthur asked, kneeling on the bed and hovering over Merlin's lips, as he palmed Merlin through the cotton of his pants.

“Kiss me.” Merlin said.

Arthur obliged easily. Rolling on the bed, in only their pants, they kissed for what felt like hours. Merlin was drowning in the best way and Arthur was anchoring him down. His hands were rough against his skin, but gentle as they pushed Merlin into the mattress.

"Oh god, Merlin" Arthur breathed heavily. "Want you. Want to make you feel so good."

He knelt over Merlin, then he moved down, until he could kneel between Merlin's legs, holding his knee so that he could spread Merlin's legs wide. Merlin's breath caught as Arthur unknowingly touched his scars. Arthur's hands were on Merlin's pants, ready to pull them off, when he paused. Merlin watched him carefully, as Arthur's eyes roved over Merlin's thighs and hips, his brows pinched with confusion. Then they went wide with understanding. 

"Oh." The noise was was soft and barely heard. Merlin's heart raced, and he had to close his eyes for a moment as he composed himself.

Arthur looked up, but Merlin didn't see any sadness or disgust in his expression.

"That's why you looked that way when we mentioned scars." Arthur said matter of fact. Not a question, not an insult. Just understanding.

Merlin nodded.

"Are you alright if I touch them?" Arthur asked, as he leaned down and his thumb rubbed a circle under Merlin's pants.

"I don't mind." Merlin said, wondering if anyone else had ever asked him that before.

Arthur pressed his lips to Merlin's stomach, running down his hip. He mouthed at Merlin's erection, under his pants, only pulling them down enough to take the head into his mouth. Merlin groaned and tried to keep his hips on the mattress. 

Arthur ran his hands over Merlin's hips, his fingertips touching dozens of scars, never lingering on them. Arthur kissed at Merlin's hips and thighs, not really touching the scars with a purpose, but his lips brushed over them anyway.He pulled at Merlin's pants until they were gone, and the he took Merlin in his mouth. 

"Oh fuck" Merlin hissed, his hand at Arthur's shoulder, to keep Merlin anchored or to keep Arthur where he was he didn't know.

Arthur’s head bobbed, and his mouth was hot over Merlin. He was a mess under Arthur's tongue and lips. It only took him another minute or so of Arthur's constant attention before he came, his come spilling over his torso as Arthur's hand stroked him.

"Come here" Merlin kissed him, hand on Arthur's cock. "What do you want?" He asked, already jerking Arthur off.

"Your mouth." Arthur gasped, "God, Merlin, please."

Merlin grinned into their kiss and flipped Arthur into his back. He saw the surgery scars on Arthur’s knee and didn’t hesitate as he pressed an open mouthed kiss to the marred skin. Arthur huffed and nudged Merlin’s shoulder with his knee. telling him to hurry up. Merlin laughed and kissed down from Arthur’s knee to his thigh and then to his hip. He licked up Arthur’s cock, pressing a hand to the center of Arthur’s torso, keeping him down and feeling his breath hitch as Merlin made him fall apart.

Arthur pulled on Merlin's hair pulling him off and Merlin didn't have time to stroke him before Arthur was coming. He whined in the back of his throat as Merlin stroked him through his orgasm until he was too sensitive.

Merlin fell back down to the sheets and kissed Arthur. They kissed slowly and hazily until Merlin thought he might fall asleep with Arthur's lips nuzzling his own. 

"Hold on" Merlin pulled away, "I'm going to get a towel."

Arthur whined and held onto Merlin’s waist, kissing his jaw. Merlin indulged him for a moment, letting Arthur run his hands all over, until he felt the mess between them again. Arthur grabbed Merlin’s ass when he tried to move away.

Merlin laughed, pushing him away, “I’ll be right back, you grabby prat.”

“You have 30 seconds, Emrys.” Arthur said, his voice rough and sex idled.

Merlin purposely made a show of taking his time out the door, swinging his hips and looking back at Arthur who was humoring him with a smile.

Stepping into the bathroom, Merlin turned on the lights and grabbed a towel. He paused for a moment, looking at himself in the mirror. His skin was flushed and his hair was a mess from Arthur’s fingers running through it. His scars were there, but they were just like the hair on his chest or the flush on his cheeks, a normal part of his skin. He let himself run his hand over his hip and thigh for a second, before turning off the light and going back to Arthur.

Back in the bedroom, Arthur looked like a dream as he laid on Merlin's bed, lips red and hair messy. Merlin cleaned them and then Arthur took the towel from him and threw it onto the floor, pulling Merlin under him and kissing him.

"You're picking that up in the morning." Merlin whined. Arthur rolled his eyes and pulled Merlin close, chest to chest. They kissed lazily, cuddling under the blankets as their bodies cooled.

When Merlin woke up the next morning he felt warm and ached all over as he remembered the night before. When he opened his eyes and turned over to Arthur, he was already awake. He was looking at the ceiling, a hand under his head.

Merlin stretched, letting Arthur know he was awake.

"Morning" Arthur whispered.

Merlin hummed and kissed Arthur's shoulder in answer. He nuzzled Arthur’s collarbone. Arthur smiled and turned to him, “You awake?”

Merlin groaned, his eyes closing again. He pressed closer to Arthur, who was as warm as a furnace. It made him feel lazy, sleep calling to him again.

Arthur laughed and wrapped an arm around Merlin’s waist, his hand spreading over the small of his back. “Wake up, Merlin.” Arthur said as he kissed Merlin’s face, waking Merlin in the slowest and sweetest way.

When they finally woke up properly, they made their way to the kitchen for food, Arthur was dressed only in his pants, giving Merlin a sight of his broad shoulders and his strong thighs. Merlin was only in Arthur's white dress shirt, big enough to hang around his hips. It was obviously his boyfriend's shirt and somehow that made it better. Plus Arthur was eyeing his legs when he only wore the shirt, and as Merlin found out the night before, Arthur had a thing for his long legs.

Merlin went to get the cereal and bowls. Arthur watched him from the doorway.

“You only have sugary cereal, don’t you?” Arthur asked, his eyes crinkled with mirth.

“Yes. Let me guess, you have boring adult cereal?” Merlin asked, throwing him a flirty look as he bent over to get the milk from the fridge. 

He saw Arthur’s eyes run over him as he said, “Yes because I don’t start my day with a sugar buzz.”

“Well, eat up.” Merlin said as he poured the cereal. “You’ll need the energy.”  

He felt Arthur come up behind him, set his chin on Merlin’s shoulder. “Is that so?” Arthur wrapped his hands around Merlin’s hips, his fingers spreading to cover as much skin as possible. Arthur’s lips on his ear made Merlin’s hair stand on end. He briefly thought of the scars, almost able to remember all the ones Arthur’s hands were touching without even looking, but brushed it aside. He turned his head gave Arthur a saucy look, which only made Arthur laugh.

They went to the living room and sat on the couch where Arthur curled up and Merlin laid out his legs onto the coffee table. Merlin saw Arthur’s eyes linger on Merlin’s legs, but this time on his hips and thighs where the morning sun couldn’t hide the pale lines along Merlin’s skin. 

As they ate, Arthur turned quiet. Merlin knew what he was thinking.

"I don't want to pry..." Arthur started slowly, and Merlin already knew as he continued,  "You don't have to answer-"

"But you want to know about the scars?" Merlin finished. 

Arthur flinched and looked a little embarrassed as looked down and away. "Is that rude?"

It wasn't a rude question. Arthur was surely curious and Merlin had the right to not tell him if he didn't want. Merlin sipped the last of his cereal before putting the bowl down on the coffee table. 

“It’s not rude, you posh Englishman.” He kissed Arthur’s temple. He felt relaxed and safe with Arthur. As Merlin splayed out in the morning sun with Arthur he had never felt the need to hide his legs in.

"I had depression when I was a teenager." Merlin said, seeing the way Arthur watched him. Merlin continued. "The cutting was a way of coping with the drastic drops in my mood."

It sounded too detached, but Merlin had never been good at describing why he had done it. Saying that it had felt good never seemed like the right thing to say, even if it had been the truth. And when explaining it to other people he found that it was easier to take the sterile medical explanation.

Arthur looked down at Merlin’s chest, not looking him in the eye.

"I haven't a clue about- I don’t know anything about depression or…” Arthur paused, seemingly uncertain. He searched out Merlin’s hand, who easily took Arthur’s in his hand.

"It's in the past, Arthur" Merlin reassured with a squeeze of his hand. "I'm not depressed anymore. It's been over a decade since I self-harmed. I don't want you to think this is something current."

"No, but it's still part of you." Arthur said with a gesture to Merlin, looking up at him earnestly. "I'd like to know all of you"

Instead of holding his gaze, Merlin looked up at Arthur’s hair, brushing a few strands that were out of place,. “I’ll tell you about it sometime.” Merlin said, remembering all the small details from over a decade ago. One day he would explain it to Arthur, but not now.

Arthur caught Merlin’s eyes again, asking him, “Would you rather I not mention scars? Last night when my friends were talking about scars, you seemed alright and then...not.”

"I don't mind it.” Merlin promised. “I just blanked last night. It was on my mind, that's all. And I can't really share mine the same way you can." 

Arthur's mouth tightened. Merlin wondered what made him seem so serious.

“When I was younger my father… If I came home with anything but perfect grades and winning all my football games, he would yell at me. He had all these expectations for me and I felt like a disappointment to him. It took so much for me to break away from that.” Arthur looked up from his daze, “I can talk about it with a straight face, but back then? I think I would be raging or maybe crying. Sometimes I still want to." 

"Arthur?" Merlin asked, rubbing his thumb over the back of Arthur’s hand.

"I mean, it's still a scar even if it didn't leave any mark on my body." Arthur said, finally getting to what he meant. "We all have invisible scars. Your invisible scars are just...visible, that's all." 

Merlin felt his heart tighten and he felt the smile slowly spread across his lips as he looked at Arthur’s earnest expression. He moved closer to Arthur, wrapping his arms around Arthur’s neck and pecking a kiss to his lips. "You are a Prince Charming in disguise, Arthur Pendragon."

Arthur laughed as he kissed Merlin back and held onto Merlin by his hips. "In disguise?” he asked.

"You called me an idiot when we first met." Merlin said.

“You have a point.” Arthur conceded, though he was smiling. “To be fair, you were covered in glitter and demanded that I killed your unicorn.”

“I was extremely drunk and you stepped on my marshmallow unicorn.” Merlin said, bumping Arthur’s nose with his own.

“Yeah. Sorry about that.” Arthur said.

“No you’re not.” Merlin said.

“Yeah not really.” Arthur grinned, “You were a very cute master of the unicorns. Even with all the glitter.”

“Mm I’m glad you squished my marshmallow unicorn and I cursed your crops in a drunken haze.” Merlin kissed Arthur’s lips, cupping his jaw tenderly. “Because I'm rather fond of you now.”

“Yeah.” Arthur wrapped his arms securely around Merlin’s waist. “Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> It’s about time I posted this. I wrote this a while ago, when I was coming to terms with a lot of things. It’s been sitting on my computer as ‘personal h/c fic’ for a while now. This isn’t based on true events, but it is based on similar ones involving anxiety (rather than the depression mentioned in this story). When I was deciding to write something about dealing with cutting, and the aftermath once there are only scars on your skin, I decided to pull from Merlin’s few lines in the first episode that hint at some depression and insecurity. I also want to say, stay safe out there and seek out help, even if you don’t tell someone what the problem is, they can still help you through whatever it is.


End file.
